Returning To My First Love

"I know your deeds and your toil, and your patient endurance, and that you cannot tolerate those who are evil, and have tested and critically appraised those who call themselves apostles (special messengers, personally chosen representatives, of Christ), and [in fact] are not, and have found them to be liars and impostors; and [I know that] you [who believe] are enduring patiently and are bearing up for My name’s sake, and that you have not grown weary [of being faithful to the truth]. But I have this [charge] against you, that you have left your first love [you have lost the depth of love that you first had for Me].  So remember the heights from which you have fallen, and repent [change your inner self—your old way of thinking, your sinful behavior—seek God’s will] and do the works you did at first [when you first knew Me]; otherwise, I will visit you and remove your lampstand (the church, its impact) from its place—unless you repent."

Revelations 2:2-5

God has been challenging me, in this season of my life, to go deeper in my relationship with Him. To truly get to know Him and bring me to a new level of understanding His character, His ways, and His heart. Instead of seeking Him for His hand, to seek Him for Him, trusting that all my needs shall be met. Let's just say that it has been a process that has revealed so much in my heart and caused me to question my motives. I had to ask myself questions such as:

-Why am I praying?

-Why do I go to church?

-Do I truly believe that God is Sovereign?

-Have I lost my desire for God?

-Am I just going through the motions?

-Do I take hearing His voice and receiving direction from Him as common?

-When's the last time I actually just sat and thanked Him for all that He has already done?

As I began to examine my life I realized that the zeal and fire I had for God wasn't as strong as it was a little over 3 years ago, when I first encountered God for myself. Back then you could not get me to shut up about Christ. I had scripture on my walls, in the bathroom, as my screensaver, background, on my mini fridge, and in all of my journals. I was constantly in awe and wonder of who God was and couldn't get enough of Him. I would listen to a sermon before church, go to church, and then come and listen to another sermon. I was so thankful for what God had done and was doing in my life. You see during that season of my life, I was living in NYC and pretty much had been stripped of every single friendship and relationship, dance as a career, and all I had was God. He was the only one that I could depend on. I was constantly in communication with Him and expressing my heart, feelings, and dreams. Something funny would happen and my first thought was Oh my goodness Lord did you see that? I literally ran to Him before anyone else, because there weren't many people around me that were attempting to walk on the same path. Even my bad days seemed good, because The Lord's presence in my life was so strong. I was on such a spiritual high and couldn't fathom even coming down from it. Even as I sit here and write this I can't help but smile and think about those sweet moments I shared with The Lord. 

So what happened? 

As I sought The Lord I begin to notice that I had gotten so caught up in doing things for God that I made them a priority over Him. No, I didn't stop praying. No, I didn't stop having "quiet time." No, I didn't stop going to church. What I did do was stop inviting God into every part of my day and life. I stopped carving out time, outside of my time of study/worship/prayer, to just do life with Him. He reminded me of the times in NYC when I would just go on walks with Him, to the museum, travel, even grocery shopping with the intention of spending time together. I treated The Lord as if He was a person right in front of me who had feelings, opinions, and direction. We cried together, laughed together, and He truly was able to reveal that He was my protector, provider, strength, wisdom, and guide. Somewhere along the way I lost that initial love and reverence for Him and begin to take Him for granted. Instead of marveling at the Creator, I marveled more at the creation. I was more focused on the things and people He had blessed me with, when I should have been thanking Him for them. Pretty much I allowed for my attention to be off of God and on earthly things, which is idolatry. 

"You must worship no other gods, for the LORD, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you."

Exodus 34:14

We serve a God, who is jealous for a relationship with each and every one of us. He wants to be our Abba Father. He wants to be all that we need. He wants to be all that we desire. He won't take second place for anything or anyone. Not for social media, tv, sports, your spouse, your family, your kids, your pastor, your church, your ministry, your job, your car, music, not even the gifts and talents He has bestowed upon you. We must put these things in their proper place and be willing to lay it all down for the sake of following after Christ (Luke 14:26). We cannot love the things of this world and expect our relationship and love for God to continue to grow. Once my eyes were opened to the idols present in my own life, I had to confess my sin, repent, and ask for forgiveness.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a right and steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation
And sustain me with a willing spirit."

Psalm 51:10-12

The longer I sat thinking about where God has brought me from and how He has kept me, I couldn't help but to begin to cry out of thankfulness. Thank you God for saving me out of the horrible pit I was in. Thank you Lord for delivering me from feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. Thank you Jesus for giving me an opportunity to have eternal life and have a relationship with You. You see I shouldn't be here. I literally should have been raped or dead somewhere. In January of 2011, I went out to a club in NYC with a group of friends to celebrate a birthday. I hated going to the club, they just seemed like places full of evil, I didn't like the way the guys acted, and I could never truly enjoy myself there (Pretty much like light trying to fit in with darkness). At this time, I was in bondage to people something serious and didn't want to disappoint my friends, so I went. Meanwhile everything in me is pretty much saying don't go. So what did I do? Took a few shots, which pretty much caused me to lose all sense of discernment and "loosened" me up. At the end of night, I was super tired and my friends put me in a cab by myself since I was headed uptown. That was a BIG mistake. I ended up falling asleep in the cab and woke up to a blast of cold air and a random guy grabbing on my arm, while my cab driver yelling "Miss do you know him?" I quickly shouted "no" and the cab driver sped off through the red light, which caused the door to slam and the random guy to fall on the curb. I know that was nothing but God's saving grace that kept me that night. I can't help but praise Him for loving me and looking out for me. That's just one example of God's faithfulness in my life, but that alone causes my heart to explode for Him.

Sometimes I believe that we get so caught up in life, that we begin to take things for granted and we forget where God has brought us from. We get blinded by our busy schedules and caught up in rushing around that we don't take time to really mediate on the goodness of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I recently spent 2 weeks in Hollywood, Florida, for work and stayed on a property with beach access. It was so refreshing to wake up early and see the sun rise in the mornings. I felt so close to God. I was so excited every day to wake up and see what picture He would paint in the sky. A lot of times I couldn't say anything but thank you, because I was in such awe that He would even allow me to experience something so magnificent.

Last week, I was at a prayer meeting and one of the guys shared what God had been dealing with him about and it caused me to think super hard. He said "Are we truly waiting on Christ as His bride? Or are we waiting on some event to happen?" You see I may never get married, I may never have kids, I may never get to dance and travel the world for The Lord, and I may not live past today. One thing that I know for sure is that Christ is coming back and that His Word states that He is my husband.  

“For your husband is your Maker,
Whose name is the Lord of hosts;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel,
Who is called the God of all the earth."

Isaiah 54:5

Sisters, let's stop all the husband talk and get back to a place of true devotion and worship for God. If we are constantly talking about marriage then that is what is in our hearts and we have allowed for it to become an idol. Instead let us focus on being the best bride to Jesus that we can possibly be. I know marriage may be a strong desire in your heart, but lay it down at the altar and allow for your first love to truly romance your heart and take you on the adventure of a lifetime. He will not disappoint you. God knows exactly what He is doing and is more concerned about you knowing Him and shaping your character, than He is about blessing you with a relationship that you will place before Him because your heart is out of alignment. He promises that as you seek His Kingdom first that He shall supply all of your needs (Matthew 6:33). So if you are single then it's by His design and you do not need to be in a relationship right now. God's timing is perfect, so rest and enjoy getting to know Him.

If you haven't figured it out by now, my first love is Jesus Christ. He will be my first love forever even if I do have an earthly husband, kids, a ministry, etc. My relationship with Him takes work, the same way the relationships I have with humans take work. I refuse to be "lukewarm," to coast through this Christian walk, or take The Lord as common. Now that my eyes have been opened to the truth, I want to do whatever is necessary to protect the love that I have for Him. I know that it will be worth it to hear 'Well done thy good and faithful servant." I'm not saying I have it all figured out, because I am still growing daily. I am saying that I have to know Him. I can't afford to get through this life without knowing him. I could gain everything in this world, but if I don't know Him then I have nothing. He desires me and I want to desire Him, no matter how busy life gets. There's 2 upbeat songs by Jonathan McReynolds called "Gotta Have You" & "Got My Love" that I have been singing recently that pretty much describe the love for God that is growing in my heart. I want to be as desperate for God when I have everything, as I am when I have nothing and no one else to turn to!!!

Maybe you read this blog and realized that you too have forsaken your first love. I'm here to encourage you that it's not too late to turn back to Him. Anytime you begin to feel your love for God dwindling just take a moment to think about where He has brought you from and repent. Ask God to restore you to the joy of your salvation and reignite your fire, passion, and devotion for Him. Seek accountability from those who are strong in their walk and zealous for Him. I promise you that their excitement for God will rub off on you. Oh and just to be clear, this will not be a one time thing. We are constantly bombarded by this world and we must continually ask The Lord to help us to keep our hearts and minds stayed on Him. For some of you, It may seem like an impossible task to have Your minds and hearts constantly on God, but with Him all things are possible. 

I want to leave you all with a sermon by Francis Chan called "Desiring God" that truly challenged me this past week. I pray it blesses you the same way it blessed me. 

 

  

Until next time,

Cierra 

xoxo

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